Hell Lost Another One

Psalm 32

Forgiven

What bliss belongs to the one

whose rebellion has been forgiven,

those whose sins are covered by blood.

What bliss belongs to those

who have confessed their corruption to God!

For he wipes their slates clean

and removes hypocrisy from their hearts.

Before I confessed my sins, I kept it all inside;

my dishonesty devastated my inner life,

causing my life to be filled with frustration,

irrepressible anguish, and misery.

The pain never let up, for your hand of conviction

was heavy on my heart.

My strength was sapped, my inner life dried up

like a spiritual drought within my soul.

Then I finally admitted to you all my sins,

refusing to hide them any longer.

I said,

“My life-giving God,

I will openly acknowledge my evil actions.

”

And you forgave me!

All at once the guilt of my sin washed away

and all my pain disappeared!This is what I’ve learned through it all:

All believers should confess their sins to God;

do it every time God has uncovered you

in the time of exposing.

For if you do this, when sudden storms of life overwhelm,

you’ll be kept safe.

Lord, you are my secret hiding place,

protecting me from these troubles,

surrounding me with songs of gladness!

Your joyous shouts of rescue release my breakthrough.

I hear the Lord saying,

“I will stay close to you,

instructing and guiding you along the pathway for your life.

I will advise you along the way

and lead you forth with my eyes as your guide.

So don’t make it difficult; don’t be stubborn

when I take you where you’ve not been before.

Don’t make me tug you and pull you along.

Just come with me!”

So my conclusion is this:

Many are the sorrows and frustrations

of those who don’t come clean with God.

But when you trust in the Lord for forgiveness,

His wraparound love will surround you.

So celebrate the goodness of God!

He shows this kindness to everyone who is his.

Go ahead—shout for joy,all you upright ones who want to please him!

If you were to ask me six months ago or even three months ago if I was a christian I would have told you yes but deep inside I was living a life far off from God. In 2015 I gave my life to Christ praying the prayer of salvation but I did not surrender to Him wholeheartedly. I developed the language of christian and I was able to hide behind this act to pretend that I was “good”. I wanted those around to believe that I had it all together but deep down inside I was a hot mess stuck on a merry go round of falling into sin. I couldn't understand how for months I would be doing so good turning away from sin, pursuing God, going to church doing all the things that a good christian was supposed to do but why on a random Tuesday left all alone in my thoughts I’d give into sin. Struggling with pornography and masturbation and no matter how much I tried I

just couldn't stop, something was wrong with me and it went on for years. I was serving in multiple ministries in church thinking the more I served that would keep me from falling into this vicious cycle of sin but that did not do the trick. I thought opening up to women that I trusted would help me and I'm not saying telling someone is wrong but that did not help me either. I was bound in chains, sin was my master and there was no way in my own strength could I subdue it. I got to the point where I was just tired, tired of the act and pretending not with those around me but with God so I turned away. I didn't want to disappoint Him anymore so I left. The only one

that could set me free I walked away from Him but the thing about God He never lets go.

If I couldn't be the good christian woman I thought to myself I might as well go all the way in with fornication. It became the thing that I would run to because I just wanted to feel something not realizing that was the very thing numbing me. I thought this was freedom, free from the expectation of being a christian and living rightly. But when I tell you it was the worst, most depressing moment in my life. My soul longed for the Lord and there would be times where I could feel Holy Spirit tugging at my heart calling me home but I would say I cant deal with this right now, It’s just too much for me to handle. So I would fill my mind with other things justpushing Him away but the thing about God He never lets go. And no matter how much I would run from Him I could find no rest. My brain was literally so scattered and I was so fearful, I couldn't sleep well at night. I would literally wake up with these panic attacks. Now I can see that it was the mercy of God but more on that later. I didn't pray and anytime I wanted to talk to God because deep down I did miss Him but I felt like He didn’t want to hear from me so I would say to Him “hey you don’t have to worry about me just please keep my family safe and make sure they are good.“ I was so lost and broken and felt so alone. I needed help, I needed my Savior, I needed Jesus but again I didn't want to disappoint Him so in those moments where I would miss Him I just pushed those feelings aside.

One night I was scrolling on social media and I have to say during this time my algorithm was

not aligned with any christian content so when videos about God started popping up all of a sudden I got a little annoyed and I would scroll past those videos so fast but it got to a point to where back to back the videos were about God and I felt in that moment God was trying to get my attention and Holy Spirit was like “it’s really time to come home now Aja” and I was like okay fine, in aggravation I responded to Him but deep down inside I was so thankful that He used one of the things that I was filling myself up to reach me. It doesn't matter where you are right now or what you are hiding yourself in if you are a child of God He will find you and He will pursue you.

So at that moment I deactivated and deleted social media from my phone. I don't know why but I just felt like I had to do that so that God could have my attention. And I remember that night asking the Lord for forgiveness not knowing what to say fully other than sorry, sorry for turning away and sorry for giving in to sin. I was honest with the Lord about everything, how I didn't want to disappoint Him but I didn't know how to give up fornication because I loved it and it made me feel good. I felt a peace though and I knew that I was forgiven. I knew that the Lord was there with me. I can't explain it but I just knew.The Lord took me to John four that night and He explained to me through His word how I was like the woman at the well getting filled from this world and how He was the well that would never run dry. He was giving me a key in this moment on what to do to never thirst again. He was showing me that as long as I filled myself up with this world I would always be thirsty but in Him I would have all I need. To you reading this right now, are you thirsty? Then turn to Jesus.

To get to sleep that night I thought to myself, let me just put on a sermon on Youtube and I'll watch it until I go to sleep, I ended up watching the whole thing. The sermon was called "BendYour Neck" and she was preaching from Matthew eleven verses twenty eight through thirty and if you know you know but it was the “come to me all who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest.“ She simplified it so much for me and she spoke of how that's the invitation from the Lord, just come to Him all who are bound by this life, those addicted, those in sin. And it was like a joy and a relief came over me because I was like that's me! I’m addicted to lust it was giving me hope. I know the Lord was speaking to me through her saying ‘daughter come to Me.“

Then He reminded me of John fifteen to just abide in Him. Because I spent most of my christian walk with the Lord over complicating things, He was like let me get on your level and help you, you're thirsty I am the well, you are weary I am true Rest, abide in Me and I will abide in you. It was like a whole new world for me was opened and for the first time it felt real.

The next day after not opening my bible for months I opened His word and from that day it

became my source, my bread that is sustaining me, I can't go a day without it. It is life or death for me. Around this time Matthew eighteen became so real for me as well, He left the ninety nine for me, I was the one that He came to get. I was going the wrong way and He snatched me up and put me back on the right path. Another time I was reading in John six something clicked for me because I couldn't understand why He never let go, why did Holy Spirit tug at my heart what was it that kept Him pursuing me. Jesus speaking in John six verse thirty nine says,“This is the will of the Father who sent Me, that of all He has given Me I should lose nothing, but should raise it up on the last day.“ It is the Father’s will that Jesus would not lose one of us and I

understand the context of what He was saying to His disciples at that time but logos became

rhema and that word struck me highlighting the depth of His love for me that no matter what it takes He will come after me. He would allow me to be so uncomfortable in my sin like I said before I couldn't rest. I was lost like the psalm in the beginning mentioned, my life was filled with anguish, I was frustrated all the time, His hand of conviction was heavy on my heart. That is an act of His mercy! Thank God for conviction! When I was at my lowest He came for me and now I can confidently say I am forgiven, I can confidently say that I have been redeemed by the bloodof the lamb. He washed away my sins and it no longer has power over me. I got off that merrygo round by the grace of God and the help of Holy Spirit.

I read a book called "The Word In My Mouth”

, and she had a chapter in there talking about

prayer and confessions basically saying how we need to pick up our sword(bible) and use it. I battled with being bound by lust from a young age and for the first time I felt empowered to overcome, not in my own strength but by the word of the Lord which is alive and active. I wrote out my confession rooted in scripture and when feelings of temptation rise I pull out that confession. I know sin is defeated but because I still struggle with tempting thoughts I now know what to do. I used to think just because I had a thought I wasn’t free but now I know that I take every thought captive and make it submit to Christ. The fact that I still have thoughts of temptation doesn't discourage me anymore but it keeps me coming back to Jesus and leaning on Him for help.

Hear me I was someone who claimed to be a Christian but lived my life serving sin as my master on my way to hell. I thought doing just enough would cut it but because I loved my sin Irefused to surrender fully to the Lord. But God is so merciful He did not let me die in my sin. He gave me time to turn back to Him. Jesus pursued me and did not let up or let me go. Hell lost another one. I am free by the blood of the Lamb. Psalm thirty two describes my life so perfectly. I will rejoice in the Lord because He set me free and gave me a new song to sing. Not a song of despair but a song of hope. Not a song of bondage but a song of freedom. It is the song of the redeemed.

Fully surrender to the Lord and watch what happens, watch how the Potter puts you on the potter's wheel and begins to mold you. Allow Holy Spirit to guide and teach you. Pick up the word of God and write it on the tablets of your heart.

So I end with verse one of Psalm thirty two“What bliss belongs to the one whose rebellion has been forgiven, those whose sins are covered by blood.“

I have never felt this free, thank You Jesus!